the most honest post i have ever written...

it's been a week since i have had the second most horrible moment of my life... and one week since i entered the same room where almost six years ago i had my first... both concerning my pregnancies.

i have known that i am pregnant for two weeks now, and i was happy for about three days, then tired, then worried, then scared... and now i think i am a mix of numb and nervous. i've been relaxing between my bed and the couch because i have been put on bed rest... and i can't really love this or daydream much because though i feel fine, my medical tests indicate that things are going ok but i still can't let myself imagine anything cute or sweet or adorable because until tomorrow when i visit my doctor i can't relax completely and accept this new beginning... i want to, i believe i should not fear, but it's still too soon for me... i feel like i am robbing myself of a little bit of happiness and at the same time i am doing what i can to stay well and make everything perfect for this baby... 

today is the day... the day when i finally visit my doctor and have a sit down with her and figure out what happened and how i have to protect this baby and myself... understand how to go from here and finally, i hope, relax and enjoy what's coming. 

i dream of it sometimes, i think of names sometimes, i see baby clothes sometimes... but i feel stupid, i feel scared and i feel like it's too soon... 

she said everything was ok... though i felt her more nervous than ever... 
more bed rest, another month, should i worry?

...another week has passed... and i am still home and i am still on "bedrest" not exactly on my bed, but the couch... and though i know this is good for me, and i'm doing what i can to be ok and for this baby to me ok... but i am going crazy... so sad of being alone all day. i get tired, cranky, sad, sleepy and so left out...

today, march first, i found out the pregnancy didn't go through and i have no baby... never had

i have never felt this strange before, this empty, this ridiculous and deeply sad. part of me wants to cry out loud, yell, get angry "what the hell did i do for this to happen", part wants to believe it wasn't meant to be, nature has it's way of knowing, life has a weird way of showing it... but i only really want to cry... not get angry, not get furious, but just cry. part wants to go back in time and not have spent money on pregnancy clothes, part wants to erase the moments i talked to my belly, part wants to not have gotten excited, not have told anyone... but here i am... deeply sadden, feeling empty and alone and somewhat ashamed and i have no ideia how i would've been had i not told anyone... 

it is very difficult to explain what i feel because in a way i do not believe it, for i still feel pregnant... as if my body did not give up, as if i believed it so much it changed for me... but no baby... so now i feel the worst i have ever felt in my life and i have no control over this. 

my first thought was flashbacks of things i maybe did wrong, or of all my superstitions, but none comes to mind that makes sense, i can't have not developed a baby because i was afraid something was wrong, or that i couldn't make up my mind about a name or if this time we were going to find out the sex of the baby before it was born unlike we did with the twins... nothing makes sense... i don't feel i deserve it, but then something trigers my most calm self and i think maybe, just maybe... this pregnancy wasn't meant to be... not me as a mother, but this specific time, this specific moment. 

many women go through this and come out retrying and having amazing babies after a while, and i would be the first of my friends to tell myself that things will be good again, a baby will come and i will live this dream of mine... but right now i cannot see past my bed, and my life right now. 
as i look at my children, and gosh they are already so beautiful and enough... i believe in the future, but also need this time of mourning to calmly get back on my feet and allow myself this sadness, this emptiness and void this has left in me.

though the world didn't know of my happy news... i needed to share this sad moment here... as if talking, writing or just letting it out makes things a bit easier for me... 
i do not know where to move from here... but i will move on and get back on my feet. for the time being i am just going to sit here for a while and mourn this life i was expecting.

to all of you who go through this i do not know what to say except that i have never understood your pain so well as now... my prayers go out to all of you.

10 comentários:

  1. very sad :(((
    best wishes my friend***

  2. tendo passado pelo mesmo, só posso dar um abraço virtual. podia dizer muito mais coisas mas é uma experiência tão pessoal que cada uma lida à sua maneira...

    1. obrigada joana, é deste apoio que se precisa, daquele que mesmo sem conhecer sabemos a dor e a sensação de perda. que o futuro seja risonho, que a dor atenue, que a tristeza passe e deixe o sorriso voltar.

  3. Não sei o que é mesmo ( a minha única gravidez foi bem do principio ao fim), mas espero que te recomponhas rapidamente. É preciso tempo, não forces, take your time. :)* E se precisares de um ombro "amigo" faça o favor de dizer. Beijos grandes

    1. preciso de tudo... n minto. mereço mimo e tanto apoio, mas agora o mais importante é tratar de deixar o tempo tratar de tudo. obg ana

  4. Anónimo8/3/16 18:10

    É mesmo o tempo. Mereces todo o mimo e apoio, mas será o tempo o teu melhor amigo.

  5. Lamento muito Andrea ... um abraço apertado

    1. são tão bons estes abraços... obrigada por lerem. odeio n se falar mais abertamente destas coisas, como se devêssemos ter medo, e no entanto n fizemos nada... custa, mas faz parte da terapia