a letter

death is a difficult thing for anyone, it is very tricky… it is not as clear as it seems, and feels so unnatural, more than it should. one of the most natural things in the world becomes one of the most horrible and strange thing you ever go through. some mourn, some question, some cry, some get angry, some trauma, some even celebrate… but we all go through it, one time or another. 
it is also one of the most selfish things we go through in life too… we are sadden by their death, but more about our loss, we remember them but we can’t imagine going through life without them, we miss them, but we cry for what they mean to us… it is a strange but needed process to be able to aknowledge someone’s death… the realization that they are gone, forever. 
no matter how they went, suddendly, tragically, by choice, by disease, slowly or in a blink of an eye… it always hurts, it always makes us feel hurt, sad and most of all lonely. mostly because we realize everything that we have done lately seems so small, shallow sometimes even ridiculous compared to what that person has just gone through before death… how scared were they, by themselves before it happened, while we were watching tv comfortable in our house, how did it all happen without a soul around to hold his hand while we were sound asleep… questions flow in but answers don’t and we’ll live in doubt for a while… but just a while. nothing goes back to what it used to exactly, but we will go back to our lives, remembering on occasion what that loved one meant and still means to us, but our lives do go on, they have to somehow. it is difficult i am sure, for i have experienced it myself. i go through all the stages except celebrating… i have still to learn to do that. though i have lost loved ones in different stages of my life, some have become now amazing memories of what we had and how they were, and not so much of how they died… which can leave such hurt. 
we do not get better at dealing with death as we get older, we just cry less and understand more, but it still hurts a lot and i believe it scares us more than when we were little, because immagination is part of a child’s process of coping with a loved one dying… as for adults, there is no image of a beautiful garden or a lost paradise or of a secret hideout… there is yes, an empty space at the dinner table, a empty bed, a phone number you’ll never call again, a joke that made him laugh, an awkward silence when someone mentions his name, a short lived life and a future gone… there is no believing in happiness beyond, there is a brutal reality of “never again”… so yes, it is one of the most selfish things you have to go through in life, realizing who you are without them… but memories keep those who have gone in our hearts forever, and smiles seem brighter, and hugs seem warmer when remembered after days, weeks, months and years gone by.
we do get through it, we do go back to our lives because thankfully we can, mourning is a process but not a way of life. for those who have lost someone dear to them today, i send all of my love for i will do what i can to lessen the hurt, to make you smile and be there to give you time. andrea